


The Viner’s Spell Book — An Introductory Text on Modern Spellcasting

by sawtooths



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Miss Possiblef, Mitali Bunce - Freeform, Vines, just what’s it says on the tin, spells as vines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 20:05:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14027760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sawtooths/pseuds/sawtooths
Summary: “In this text you will encounter some of the most culturally significant and powerful spells in the modern day. Time will only tell if the power of these spells remain, but the power they hold today is quite significant, so wield them while you can!” — Professor Possiblef, Watford School of Magicks.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Me and my friend Danny springboarded off this post (http://nicopetty.tumblr.com/post/172035854632/vines-as-spells-from-carry-on) on Tumblr, and I had to make a fic of it.

**Introduction**

_by Mitali Bunce_

As the headmistress of Watford School of Magicks and the former history teacher, I have learned one thing above all else. Adaptation. Spells adapt and change, taking new forms and weakening old. Certain turns of phrases no longer hold the same power they once did, and new phrases have become so powerful it almost seems a waste not to use them. In this brief introduction, I seek to implore older mages to understand the modern power these spells hold. 

While they do not cater to the sensibilities of the older generation, their power and influence cannot be denied. Offense, defense, concealment, and various other magicks can be revealed through these unconventional modern spellworkings. So, without further ado the Watford School of Magicks proudly presents the World of Mages with  _The Viner’s Spell Book — An Introductory Text on Modern Spellcasting._


	2. Chapter 1 — Offensive Spells

**Chapter One**

_Offensive Spells_

~~~~In the world of mages, being on the offensive is often times the best place to be. Protecting oneself is absolutely important and if attacking is the only way to defend, the best place to begin is with the offensive spells found in this chapter. _  
_

* * *

**[”Miss Keisha? Miss Keisha?! Miss Keisha! Oh my fuckin’ God, she fuckin’ dead.”](https://youtu.be/XUjTmTnnszk) **

_Proper inflection:_ The first question should be asked in an almost blasé tone. The second places an emphasis on the “ei” sound in “Keisha” with a risen volume towards the end of the name. The last time the name is called, is with force, a statement rather than a question. The last part is spoken near immediately after the first, and with haste, leaving no space for breath.

_Intended use:_ This spell is highly powerful and is designed to kill a target. It must only be used in dire situations.

_Counter spell:_ [See chapter 2.]

* * *

**[“This bitch empty. YEET!”](https://youtu.be/2Bjy5YQ5xPc)**

_Proper inflection:_ The first part of the spell must be spoken with incredulity and shocked anger. The second part places an almost rasp upon the “EE” sound in “YEET.” This last part must yelled loud enough to carry through a hallway.

_Intended use:_ Launches an enemy forcibly several meters away, almost as if they are being thrown.

_Counter spell:_ Unknown.

* * *

**[“Actually, Megan, I can’t sit anywhere, I have hemorrhoids.”](https://youtu.be/2JxaNWdspjY) **

_Proper inflection:_ The actually must be spoken with a slightly offended and angry tone. The Megan must be said with a mocking tone, placing emphasis on the hard vowels within the name. The rest of the spell, up until the last word, must be spoken with the same almost mocking tone, placing emphasis on the word anywhere. The last word must be emphasized as if one is speaking the name of a product within a commercial.

_Intended use:_ As gross and unpleasant as this spell may be, seeing as it is used to give the target painful, aching, disarming, and unbearable hemorrhoids for a temporary amount of time, it is quite useful for stopping an enemy in their tracks.

_Counter spell:_ Unknown.

* * *

**[”Grab her by her pussy lips, they loose!”](https://youtu.be/SPy0QiW6sTs) **

_Proper inflection:_ Must be said with a lilting Californian accent and haste. Emphasis on the “oo” sound in “loose.”

_Intended use:_ Makes a melee opponent easier to grab than previously. 

Counter spell: Unknown.

* * *

**[“That fufu lame shit/I ain’t with it/I’ll send some shots at yo fitted—Gratata.” ](https://youtu.be/-_b9vQg6L4g) **

_Proper inflection: The spell is sung with a melodic scheme of a one toned beginning with a upper key switch followed by a lower key switch in the last two syllables of each stanza. The “gratata” must be spoken with a breathy quality followed by a crescendo and an a hard roll of the R._

_Intended use:_ A powerful spell that launches high velocity projectiles at an opponent.

_Counter spell:_ [See chapter 2.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll fix these links later I’m writing this all from mobile akshkahekshsksgd


	3. Chapter 2 — Defensive Spells

**Chapter** **Two**

_Defensive Spells_

When you’re not on the offensive, you’re on the defensive. And the defensive is always where you’ll find the most useful protection spells. This chapter explores the protection and defensive spells borne of Vine.

* * *

**[“I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!”](https://youtu.be/GaNGKD4MTV0)**

_Proper intonation:_ Must be said with passion and conviction, placing emphasis on the word kill.

_Intended use:_ Specific counter spell to the previously mentioned “Miss Keisha” spell. It neutralizes the effects of the spell, rendering it useless.

_Counter spell:_ N/A.

* * *

  **[“All up in my pussy boy!”](https://youtu.be/7PUqltNYvOg)**

_Proper intonation:_ Must be said in a high, mocking tone, playing emphasis on the “y” sound in “boy.”  **  
**

_Intended use:_ Rather than fling an opponent meters away, as with the “This bitch empty” spell, this spell moves an opponent away without causing harm, classifying it as a defensive spell.

_Counter spell:_ Unknown.

* * *

[ **“It’s time to STOP!”** ](https://youtu.be/2k0SmqbBIpQ)

_Proper intonation:_  Must be said with anger and conviction. Emphasize the “STOP” with a rasping quality to the voice.

_Intended use:_ Will stop an enemy in their tracks, but only if they are attempting to attack or are in the process of doing so.

_Counter spell:_  Unknown.

* * *

**[“Oh girl, let me give you a kiss! That is good! MUAH!”](https://youtu.be/UoZpZZnekvs) **

_Proper intonation:_ The spell must be spoken in a constant tone, with a volume level consistent with trying to speak to someone over loud music, or singing at a concert.

_Intended use:_ Causes an oncoming attacker to slip hopelessly on their own footing and trip, sprawling to the floor.

_Counter spell:_ Unknown. 

* * *

**[“Kim and Collin, run in here and come get y’all juice!”](https://youtu.be/MMXAjhAopyg) **

_Proper intonation:_  The proper intonation for the “Come get y’all juice” spell requires that the names be almost unintelligible and that the rest of the sentence be spoken as though you are calling someone from another room.

_Intended use:_ Slicks the floor under the target, making forward movement impossible without slipping and falling.

_Counter spell:_ Unknown.

* * *

**[”You got me fuckeduh-duh-duh-duh-up.”](https://youtu.be/Uj7BlbbbJKE) **

_Proper intonation:_  Said in the same style as the “Gratata” spell, but where as that spell requires a crescendo and a smooth roll of the tongue, this spell requires a mid-word pitch change and a staccato addition of extra ending syllables to the phrased “fucked up.”

_Intended use:_ Can be used as a shield to absorb attacks, but is mainly used as a counter spell to “Gratata,” which causes the shield to neutralize the projectiles specific to the spell.

_Counter spell:_ N/A.


End file.
